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Make your poem suffer,
it needs to know how you feel.

And if it doesn't, your poem is ignorant.

Gouge the pen deep within it, until bloody ink stains through.
Write very hard
so your poem can feel your scars.

If you crinkle the corners,
good;
it needs to have broken tattered bones.
Feeling exhausted before your done.

Do not share or post your poem so soon,
for it needs to feel rejection.

Most important, before it dies.

Never..

Clean it's wounds, or tape its rips,
do no accept forgiveness..

As your poem dies, you'll be surprised.

Your dead withered poem,
has found
new life.
Never say sorry
Add a Comment:
 
:iconsilverinkblot:
SilverInkblot Featured By Owner Apr 10, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
I like where you're going with this piece - though the conceit has been done before, this take still feels fresh. You have some good lines, but the mechanics of the piece could use some work, which is what I'd like to help with :D

Make your poem suffer,1
it needs to know how you feel.

And if it doesn't, your poem is ignorant.

Gouge the pen deep within it, until bloody ink stains through.
Write very hard
so your poem can feel your scars.2

If you crinkle the corners,
good;
it needs to have broken tattered bones.
Feeling exhausted before your(you're) done. 3

Do not share or post your poem so4 soon,
for it needs to feel rejection.

Most important, before it dies.5

Never..

Clean it's wounds, or tape its rips,
do no accept forgiveness..6

As your poem dies, you'll be surprised.

Your dead withered poem,
has found
new life. 7

The words with a strike though them are what's called filler words - words that can be cut without changing the poem. They're sually small words such as "like," "and," "but," or "that," and they're sort of the writing equivelent of saying "um" or "uh." These little words can keep the poem from flowing smoothly, and slashing them really frees it up. Try reading each version out loud to better hear the difference :)

1. This is a comma splice; the comma is joining two independent phrases. What you need here is a semi-colon (;). The easiest way to detect a comma splice is to read each part of the sentence separately, before and after the comma. If the two halves are each a complete sentence on their own, you need something stronger than a comma to connect them.

2. I'd reword this stanza a little. I think the first line could use a touch more detail - instead of saying "stains though," maybe try something like "stains the page," or "ink leaves teat tracts." Something to push the idea a bit farther.

The next line could lose the "very" - I think it's another filler word - and could flow better. As an example, compare "Write very hard so your poem can feel your scars" with"Write hard; let your poem feel your scars." The semi-colon gives an extra little pause for drama :D

3. Lose the "if" I think - just tell the reader to crinkle the corners, break the poem's bones, let it feel exhausted. Make the lines more active!

4. Maybe "too soon" instead of "so soon?"

5. There shouldn't be a period here - it's not a complete sentence yet.

6. Consider experimenting with the idea of a list here, since you already have one going. List poetry is a lot of fun :D Try re-doing it like this:

Never:

Clean its wounds
tape its rips
accept forgiveness
more list
items go here.


A list, in this case of "do nots," can be an interesting way to expand upon a poem :)

7. One more thing, and I'm done :XD:

Line breaks - there's an excellent resource here - The Breaking Point: End-stopping and Enjambment - that will help you with line breaks far more than I possibly could. Generally speaking though, you want to break your lines in such a way that the emphasis goes where you want it. In poetry, the last word of a line usually gets that emphasis, so try to break on a strong word. Some of your stronger breaks end on works like suffer, rejection, ignorant, bones; others end on done, through, soon. Take another look at those weaker breaks and see if you can rebreak them, or reword them to create a stronger break :)

I hope you found this helpful in some way! Just let me know if I need to clarify anything :D And if my criticism feels harsh, just remember I wouldn't have put this much effort into something I thought was a lost cause ;) The potential is already here; I just want to bring it out :la:
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:iconellen-souler:
Ellen-Souler Featured By Owner May 21, 2015  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Wow thanks
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:iconaquarock:
AquaRock Featured By Owner Jul 26, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
You put in some work with this poem! 
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:iconellen-souler:
Ellen-Souler Featured By Owner Jul 27, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I tried thank you
Reply
:iconwhisper-sylvya:
Whisper-sylvya Featured By Owner Jun 21, 2014  Student Writer
This is an amazing piece. I've always firmly believed that poetry about pain is the most honest, because it is one of the strongest emotions. Truly beautiful. 
Reply
:iconellen-souler:
Ellen-Souler Featured By Owner Jun 23, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Love is the counter part to this emotion, it inspires a lot of writing even though it may be gooey and whimsical. But thank you, tends to be when I write very well. 
Reply
:iconwhisper-sylvya:
Whisper-sylvya Featured By Owner Jun 23, 2014  Student Writer
I definitely agree. It's amazing. :)
Reply
:iconimariposa:
iMariposa Featured By Owner May 19, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Wow . . . this was beautiful! 
Reply
:iconellen-souler:
Ellen-Souler Featured By Owner May 23, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
thank you very much
Reply
:iconshinseinasenshi:
Shinseinasenshi Featured By Owner May 17, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I love it all except the 

"Never..

Clean it's wounds, or tape its rips, 
do no accept forgiveness.."

For a time is fine, it's in design,
but soon you'll find, a broken line.

To be forgiven, you must forgive.
You must not live in, "live let live."

Or "one" will surely "die" my friend.

:(
Reply
:iconellen-souler:
Ellen-Souler Featured By Owner May 23, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Actually my emotions are displayed in an abstract manner, I believe in forgiveness always. If I would have not forgiven certain people in my life I'd be like most people that choose that path, and that is hurt and cold, only hurting others. I have learned this over time, that if those that didn't accept me who move on in life, do the same to others. 

I forgive others, not my emotions for they can be irrational or rational, they only reflect my mistakes. When you read my work i'm sorry if you'll be perplexed my writing can mean how i'm feeling, not how i'm feeling or have nothing to do with my beliefs at all. Not sure why I write like so.
Reply
:iconshinseinasenshi:
Shinseinasenshi Featured By Owner May 24, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Forgive me then if I seem preachy, but as one who has been filled with the love of Christ and His Holy Spirit, I can't help but impart a view on life that many never seem to grasp. Living in "two dimensions" walking in the "will of one's own heart" and allowing that to supersede your own emotions. I only know, because it's happen to me before. Until I decided to let go of my heart, where it should have been in the first place.

In the Hands of my Father in Heaven. :)

All things though. Because if it never happened....   

Then I wouldn't be imparting this to you my friend. ;)
Reply
:iconellen-souler:
Ellen-Souler Featured By Owner May 24, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Iv'e already done what you have told me really. My heart is with who it belongs with most but it does not mean in a lesser meaning my heart can belong to others, just not in a spiritual way just a way of principle 
Reply
:iconshinseinasenshi:
Shinseinasenshi Featured By Owner May 25, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Fair Enough. Fair well.
Reply
:iconellen-souler:
Ellen-Souler Featured By Owner May 25, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
What do you mean by fair well? I'm not going anywhere, are you?
Reply
:iconshinseinasenshi:
Shinseinasenshi Featured By Owner May 25, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Of course not. :)
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:iconellen-souler:
Ellen-Souler Featured By Owner May 25, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Yaaaaaaaay. I read one of your featured poems, it was nice. 
Reply
(1 Reply)
:iconjadewhisper:
jadewhisper Featured By Owner May 9, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
..holy.
this is beautiful, amazing work. e-e
Reply
:iconellen-souler:
Ellen-Souler Featured By Owner May 9, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Why thank you ><
Reply
:iconjadewhisper:
jadewhisper Featured By Owner May 9, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
o3o, np.
Reply
:iconxdarkxnxdeadlyx:
XdarkXnXdeadlyX Featured By Owner May 7, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Amazing! such creativity and originality!
Reply
:iconellen-souler:
Ellen-Souler Featured By Owner May 7, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
thank you lots 
Reply
:iconxdarkxnxdeadlyx:
XdarkXnXdeadlyX Featured By Owner May 8, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
welcome ^.^
Reply
:iconelguardiuz:
Elguardiuz Featured By Owner May 3, 2014
Beautiful.
Truly magnificent.
Reply
:iconellen-souler:
Ellen-Souler Featured By Owner May 3, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
danke very much
Reply
:iconbrody768:
brody768 Featured By Owner May 3, 2014
this is really good like really good
Reply
:iconellen-souler:
Ellen-Souler Featured By Owner May 3, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
well thank you for you really nice comment
Reply
:iconbrody768:
brody768 Featured By Owner May 3, 2014
hehe what can i say i have a thing poems and yours tops the list of ones i like
Reply
:iconellen-souler:
Ellen-Souler Featured By Owner May 3, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
thanks a lot :3
Reply
:iconbrody768:
brody768 Featured By Owner May 3, 2014
welcome :D
Reply
:iconnykiilynn:
NykiiLynn Featured By Owner May 3, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
i...fucking...LOVE THIS
Reply
:iconellen-souler:
Ellen-Souler Featured By Owner May 3, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
thank you very mush
Reply
:iconshaymind:
shaymind Featured By Owner May 2, 2014
awesome poem, thank you for posting this! i hear this policy for every type of writing, and it seems to work, i guess.
Reply
:iconellen-souler:
Ellen-Souler Featured By Owner May 3, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
It depends, but this is for a more depressive tone of course. Thanks you
Reply
:iconshaymind:
shaymind Featured By Owner May 3, 2014
yeah. it adds texture, kind of like i hear scars do- the inside of the story isn't as pretty, but it's far more interesting. many of my favorite authors seem to do this. I try, but i don't know much pain of sadness, so all i can do is a blurry echo of emotions from other stories, a peicemeal combination where no one part is wholy mine, but the way they fit may be. ~ kinda like fanfiction with emotions ~
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:iconellen-souler:
Ellen-Souler Featured By Owner May 3, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
your right, you rather intriguing I think i'll watch you
Reply
:iconsammylovesyoulots:
Sammylovesyoulots Featured By Owner May 2, 2014  Student Writer
Beautifully written.
Reply
:iconellen-souler:
Ellen-Souler Featured By Owner May 2, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
danke
Reply
:iconpaintedwolff:
PaintedWolff Featured By Owner May 2, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
I really like this one, it reminds me of what I said earlier, that you're poem is a reflection of your pain, that it for it to be good you must relate. You're poem must feel your suffering.
Reply
:iconellen-souler:
Ellen-Souler Featured By Owner May 2, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Know what i'm sayin?
Reply
:iconellen-souler:
Ellen-Souler Featured By Owner May 2, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Yeah. Well what's suffering more is my comments and favs. But hey what ever, that's the point of sharing I guess.
Reply
:iconruntofthelitter:
RuntOfTheLitter Featured By Owner May 3, 2014
HELLO! ....

One should have the VIEWS and COMMENTS and FAVS that
ROTL has before one 'complains' ....

WINK!

My BEST to you and yours,

ROTL/RuntOfTheLitter
Reply
:iconellen-souler:
Ellen-Souler Featured By Owner May 3, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
 Well I like to complain, but thanks
Reply
:iconruntofthelitter:
RuntOfTheLitter Featured By Owner May 5, 2014
HELLO, again!

As I've gotten OLDER, I've always TRIED
my BEST to 'complain' FOR OTHERS ....

I've been given MORE than I surely deserve in LIFE ....

My BEST again, ROTL
Reply
:iconpaintedwolff:
PaintedWolff Featured By Owner May 2, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
I hate when you write a poem and no one comments. It makes me feel bad about my writing,
Reply
:iconellen-souler:
Ellen-Souler Featured By Owner May 2, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Why would it make you feel bad about your writing? I used to get 30 favs and up per poem but not anymore, I guess being inactive for months ruined what I had here. 
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:iconpaintedwolff:
PaintedWolff Featured By Owner May 2, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
It makes me feel it's not good enough to receive comments, it doesn't hook the read enough for them to tell me what they think. It's insignificant or boring, not comment worthy.
Reply
:iconshaymind:
shaymind Featured By Owner May 2, 2014
i know when i read something, i rarely can think of anything to really say, and posting "awesome story, thank you for posting" starts to make you feel stupid once you run through every phrase in you theasuraus twice. does that make sense, or is that just me?
Reply
:iconpaintedwolff:
PaintedWolff Featured By Owner May 2, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Yeah I do the same thing, but it is annoying when no one comments for a while
Reply
:iconellen-souler:
Ellen-Souler Featured By Owner May 2, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Or people are just picky, lazy, un-cultured, have no time or just don't care. Deviant art is full of different art, styles pictures but capturing attention is hard here, getting a DD is imposslbie if your not popular or lucky
Reply
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May 2, 2014
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