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:iconellen-souler: More from Ellen-Souler


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Literature by WantsToLoseHerMask

Truth by hypermagical

Writing by SecretlyFading


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Submitted on
April 30, 2013
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327
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So happy and bright

this little balloon.

Thought I could float.

Thought I was immune.

But not helium filled,

i'll hit the ground soon.

I was caught, by a small child's hands.

I'm fearful, this young one can't understand

That my, happiness is my illness

In their eyes:

Colorful, wonderful, blissful, blimp.

In mine:

Deflating, stretchy, empty, ship.

Toss me into the air, hoping for ascension

Descend down to earth, falling in depression
I have no clue why, but it's possible for me to become so excited and happy, I just flat-line get depressed. I have no clue.
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:icongoldshroom:
My first impression of this piece was "whoa, this was a pretty cool read." The balloon perspective struck me as original, and does much to spice up the message of life's highs and lows and invisible inner turmoil. Very neat perspective and message.

There's just a couple technical things that don't make sense to me, particularly in the part-

"I was caught, by a small child's hands.

I'm fearful, this young one can't understand

That my, happiness is my illness"

The use of commas here didn't sit quite well with me, I admit. In the same position, I would've went with dashes- like this. But that's just me.
I think the second verse in particular could be reworded "I'm afraid this young one can't understand" and would have about the same effect.

Then there's-

"But not helium filled,"

Which needs a hyphen, "But not helium-filled,"

The only other thing I'd like to point out is-

"But not helium filled,

i'll hit the ground soon."

-probably should have a capital "I" for "I'll".

Otherwise, I think this is really sound. The last bit really struck me and had my thinking "okay, time to hit the favorite button!"

"In their eyes:

Colorful, wonderful, blissful, blimp.

In mine:

Deflating, stretchy, empty, ship.

Toss me into the air, hoping for ascension

Descend down to earth, falling in depression"

Loved it. If you can keep up this level of creativity, I'm convinced you'll find a way to stay afloat. :)
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
3 out of 5 deviants thought this was fair.

:iconnixcoo:
I think that this is wonderful in all aspects. Yes, perhaps there's some grammatical error - but i believe that you are experimenting with the tenses and the punctuations and the pronouns (However, i did get a lil confused when the first two lines, we are looking at the balloon in third person, and it shifts immediately to first person in the 3rd line and so forth. Consider spacing a bit more or giving a line break)

There's some originality towards this that I can't put my finger on; perhaps that you have written in a way that I have always pictured that I want to write in but could never be guided before. I enjoyed this thoroughly, thank you.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
4 out of 4 deviants thought this was fair.

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:iconnixcoo:
nixcoo Featured By Owner May 24, 2013   Writer
OMG this is so cool. So cool. I love :love:
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:iconellen-souler:
Ellen-Souler Featured By Owner May 25, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Thanks for the comment and critique and fav 8D
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:iconquirkybrainiac:
QuirkyBrainiac Featured By Owner Apr 30, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
:huggle:
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:iconellen-souler:
Ellen-Souler Featured By Owner Apr 30, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Yey hugs
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:iconquirkybrainiac:
QuirkyBrainiac Featured By Owner Apr 30, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Woot!
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:iconellen-souler:
Ellen-Souler Featured By Owner Apr 30, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
How are you
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:iconquirkybrainiac:
QuirkyBrainiac Featured By Owner Apr 30, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I'm alright, how are you?
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:iconellen-souler:
Ellen-Souler Featured By Owner Apr 30, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
About to shower and bother me on my DA page lol so I don't talk about taking a shower in my submissions
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:iconquirkybrainiac:
QuirkyBrainiac Featured By Owner Apr 30, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Ummm ok? Haha don't drown and remember your floaties. Want me to message on your profile or in a note?
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:iconellen-souler:
Ellen-Souler Featured By Owner Apr 30, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
profile lol
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(1 Reply)
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